Being autistic is fucking tough at the best of times but since lockdown started it has been one hellish nightmare. To make it from one day to the next i relied on routines and consistency, such as seeing friends regularly, going to certain places on certain days etc but all that was halted back in march and i’ll admit living alone, stuck in my head every day for 3 months has broken me. I did my best but i failed. I was paranoid about being forgotten, ‘if people can go that long without me in their lives what reason do they have to want me back?’ is what i asked myself on an almost daily basis. Now with things starting to go back to normal im thrown back into a world im no longer adjusted for. All my coping systems from months ago are now ineffective because i dont think i can be the same person i was before lockdown. Too much has happened and nothing seems to fit anymore, i dont seem to fit. All i feel now is incomplete and disconnected from everything around me. I have lost who i was and now i am just a walking shell waiting to be filled by the new me, but for now im just stuck in this sort of limbo inbetween the old and the new. Will i be better or will i be worse? I dont know, i dont know anything anymore.